A Sligo farmer made headlines around the world on an incredibly slow news days yesterday. He said he’d shoot any dog that came on his land. Lazy news and website editors thought that this would make some good ‘content’ so endeavored to make some clickbait headlines in an attempt to get traffic to their website rather than concentrate on writing about actual news.
The man at the centre of the ‘controversy’ Andy ‘The Bull’ McSharry, who doesn’t look anything like a bull, but more like one of those fainting goats. McSharry revealed exclusively to The Comedy Cast that the reason he wants to shoot dogs on his land is that he recently had his bullheart broken by a wee Jack Russell. Not the actual Mr. Jack Russel who lives down the road in Ballaghnatrillick, but a member of the dog breed called Jack Russells, which we can all agree on is a really dumb name for a dog breed.
Irish farmer wants to kill dogs
‘Scruffy left me,’ he told us ‘the wee fecker, he used me and then he left me…he took all my love, I fed him, soothed him on his bad days, tickled him like a wee baby-child on his wee belly, gave him shelter when he came to me as a stray and then what did the little bollix do? He up and fecked off on me, he’s gone and I’ll never love a dog again and any fecking dog that comes near my few acres of rock I’ll shoot them. All dogs are bastards,” he moaned.
Life for McSharry isn’t easy, he doesn’t like anybody or anything, which we all know means he hates himself. Indeed in 2004, the Bull served three weeks in prison rather than pay a €300 fine after being convicted of threatening hillwalkers on his land. He told us ‘Sure didn’t I save a ton of money those three weeks? If I was at home sure three hundred bills would only get me me week’s food and drink and bills, so effectively I’m up two weeks. Happy days, y’know.’ Happy days indeed, but the happiest of days were spent with Scruffy, we wanted to find out more about him.
Dogs are the Best
‘Twas a normal enough day, I was out harassing walkers one day, and we do get loads of them here y’know. Sure, basically I live on a collection of rocks, there’s hardly a blade a grass here at all, so all them yuppy feckers living in the likes of Galway and Limerick do come up here in their fancy LIDL mountain clothes and they walk on our rocks. Anyway, I was out giving some Polish couple some grief and next thing this beautiful Jack Russell came out of nowhere and he bit the ankles offa Pawel or whatever his name was and sure, Jaysus, it was a match made in Heaven. God, he was, well, he is, such a lovely dog.’
Does McSharry thinks foul play may be at hand? ‘Well, I’m well-known and much loved in the area for keeping tourists and their money away. Sure, we all know the only tourists we want in Sligo are the IRA lads from the north coming here and burying people, we don’t want money, we don’t need money, we have our rocks. It’s possible some eejit from Galway or even Dublin has drugged Scruffy and taken him away. Lord knows what’s they could be doing to him, imagine he might even get sold on to an ethnic takeaway for food.’ He sheds a tear ‘Me heart is broken, I miss Scruffy and all dogs are dead to me now, I swear I’ll kill any dog that comes near me, I can’t have my heart broken again, I won’t have my heart broken again. I’ll only renege on my promise if Scruffy comes back.’ The tears are flowing now ‘I’m so lonely,’ he sobs.
A substantial reward is available for any information on Scruffy’s whereabouts, a fifty euro Amazon.co.uk voucher. If you have any information contact the police in Sligo, they’ve little else to be doing.